Bad Breath: How to Avoid Knocking Over Your Date with Your Putrid Piehole Stench

Bad breath can immediately turn off a woman who may come sniffing within two feet of you. It is potentially a lost opportunity for some fine trim all because you cannot smell your neglected orifice. Try some of these bad breath remedies that will hopefully have you spewing clean gusts of hot air as you clammer on about your job, your car, your money, your politics or any other self-indulgent fodder that will have her cross-eyed until she can talk about her self.

Check Your Chompers

Many people who have halitosis (fancy word for stink ass breath) not only have no idea they have not visited a dentist for years. Combine that with neglected flossing and/or even brushing and you have a recipe for green fog mouth. If you have not been to a dentist in the last six months get yourself there. Put aside laying out cash for that bag of weed, bottle of wine or ‘hopefully I will get laid’ dinner and save it for the tooth man. Get those gums and teeth sandblasted and then maintain a healthy 2x per day brushing and flossing and half the battle with bad breath will be fixed.

Scrape It

Get yourself a good tongue scraper. Breath Rx makes a superior design that looks like a small plastic, razor-edged flat stick you can grab on both ends and run along your tongue. Do not get nervous at the amount of brown crud that gums up on the scraper in the morning and before bed. This is a great way to fight bad breath as you stunt smelly bacteria from growing in the crevices of your tongue.

Your Gut

The other place bad breath comes from is your stomach and intestines. In fact, Classical Chinese Medicine believes bad breath comes from excess heat in the gut. Improper mixing of foods, an unhealthy diet and alcohol consumption all contribute to a whirlwind of bubbling chemicals that leak out your mouth (and your ass) making you a perpetual walking, shit smelling specimen. Go easy on the processed foods, spices (garlic is a major culprit), drinks and anything else that is not fresh, clean produce. Also, drink clean filtered water in place of soda, juice, milk and others to cleanse your system of unwanted bacteria.


This natural sugar substitute comes from the leaf of a tropical bush that is not only used for sweetening food and drinks but is also an excellent anti-bacterial. Pour some in water and swish around your mouth to kill odor causing crap and then swallow it and let it do the same in your gut.

Chew Your Herbs

Chewing on fresh herbs is another great bad breath killer. Get some parsley, rosemary, tarragon or spearmint and suck on one for about a minute before seeing your babe.

Don’t let bad breath or other nasty hygiene traits put a damper on your pussy hunt. Other recommendations include mouthwash with essential oils and zinc ions in the ingredients instead of alcohol and stay away from sugar which breeds mouth bacteria.

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