Drink Coffee Like A Man

Red Bull gives you wings if you’re a college freshman and you mix it with vodka and cough syrup.  Men drink coffee to get energy, not five-hour energy shots.  Coffee is to the morning like whisky is to the night.  You need a primer on coffee in case you don’t know what the business is all about.  That way you don’t get stuck drinking girly coffee.

First off you need to get some beans.  You can buy them by the pound usually and you can get them from practically anywhere.  Starbucks has pretty good beans, but you can grab them from your local café if you’d like. It will taste good either way.  Make sure you get a rich dark roast, that’s full flavor and not decaf.  That’s obvious.

The next step to good coffee is grinding the beans.  Hopefully they’re already roasted, but if they aren’t then you’ll need to roast them.  You can do this in a pan if you’d like but you probably won’t have to.  It should go smoothly.  Anyway, grinding the beans is the easy part.  You can do it at the coffee place or just buy your own grinder. Some coffee pots grind the beans themselves.  If you’re using a drip pot, then you need to have a finer grind.  If you’re doing a French press, then you’ll probably want a coarse grind.

Now you need to brew the coffee.  There are several methods to doing this.  If you use a drip pot, then it’s pretty self-explanatory.  That’s what most people do.  If you use a French press, it’s basically a glass container with a plunger that pushes the water through the coffee, which captures most of the natural oils that come from the coffee beans.  If you’re really adventurous, then you can drink you coffee Turkish style, which has the grounds at the bottom.  It’s what I drank while I was away at college.

Now that you have the coffee, you need to drink it.  You want to drink it black.  That’s the only way.  If you add creamer or sugar, then you’re a girl.  Drink it like a man, like a cowboy in a tin can over the fire.  Seriously bro.

Stick to these rules and you’ll be the master of java.  Women will love you, and you’re life will get better.  Coffee is the nicest thing on Earth and you need to drink it every day.  So go on man, and drink coffee like a man.


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