Surviving a Breakup
Man, I’m sorry to hear about it. She was probably a bitch anyway. Oh don’t talk about her like that? Sorry, my bad.
So you’re broken up? It’s a bummer. We’ve all been there, and it’s never fun. If you’re on the receiving end of it here then you probably need the advice. It you’re on the “breaker upper” end of the deal then I’m sure you’ll be fine. You need a few things if you plan on surviving a breakup. The “breakup essentials” as it were. This is, after all, a men’s blog, so we’ll stick to manly sort of stuff you’ll want to do to survive a breakup. Let’s hop to it.
So where do we begin? Well first you need to take a couple days to be a little bit depressed. I’ll probably call this the “The Smiths” phase. Put on “Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want” on repeat and eat some cheetos on the couch. Don’t cry, because that isn’t particularly masculine, but if you do, then do so quietly without sobbing. You can watch some sad movies if you want. I recommend “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” because that situation probably closely mirrors your own. Just be thankful that you didn’t have a Jason Segel style naked breakup, because that’s full-frontal pathetic. You’ll probably spend these few days in your sweatpants. That’s okay. Invite your friends over to talk shit on your old girl. That might help cheer you up too.
All done moping? Let’s commence Phase 2.
Phase 2 is the phase where you better yourself in an effort to be stronger than before. First thing you need to do is hit the gym. You’ve eaten some cheetos and gained five pounds. Let’s work it off. If you were fat to begin with, now’s a good time to shed those pounds you were always thinking about. Get the vanity muscles looking toned. Abs, arms, and chest are crucial, especially in the summer.
Hit the store. Call Brooks Brother’s and get yourself a sweet looking suit. Get a new shirt. Get it tailored. Are you looking good? Are you feeling good? I bet! Now hit the bar. A new haircut will work wonders. Show your ex how much better off you are now. Your goal is to win the breakup.
Surviving a breakup is easy, if you have a good attitude. Fuck that girl you used to date. You don’t need her anyway. Show her who’s boss. New body, new attitude. Hell if it’s bad enough, move to a new city. New York is pretty appealing on the back end of a breakup, right?
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