How to Measure your Penis

Knowing how to measure your penis could be a fun conversation starter. It could also make you want to change the subject. Rest assured, every vagina is adaptable to your beans and mash. Results of a 2001 study out of the University of Texas Pan-American Psychology Department found that, “Women reported that penis width was more important for their sexual satisfaction than penis length.” Masters and Johnson, renowned sex researchers, concluded that, “size of the male penis can have no true physiological effect on female sexual satisfaction.” And also, they base their conclusion on “physiological studies that show that the vagina adapts to fit the size of the penis”. Regardless, here are some tips on putting your manhood in the record books.

Time of Day

Morning wood a/k/a a piss hard-on takes the cake for the best time to measure your joint. If you can hang the wash on what’s in your pajamas upon waking, get out the ruler. Morning is the time we have the most testosterone and our body is at its peak for reproduction duties. However, if you really want an accurate reading measure your cock three times per day over the course of three days as penis size continually fluctuates and you will want the most optimal reading.


Using a metal tape measure could get bloody as most have a spring loaded return. If you accidentally slip and that metal ruler goes flying back here is no telling what you might shear off. You can use a wooden school ruler but this will just be able to measure the length. The best device to measure your penis is a fabric, tailor’s measuring tape. It is easily manoeuvred, has no sharp edges and can be wrapped around your shaft for that secret weapon girth so many women seem to enjoy.

Start to Finish

Place the edge of the beginning of the measuring tape (which in the case of a tailor’s tape usually has a metal tab) pressed firmly against your pubic bone at either side of the base of your penis. Stretch the ruler to your penis tip. On the circumcised penis, the penile hole should be directly in line with the last hash mark of the stretched ruler. On an uncircumcised penis, the head should be fully out of its ‘sleeve’ and measured the same way.


Measuring the girth requires a fabric measuring tape. Here you will want three attempts. First, wrap the ruler around the base of your shaft, lining the last hash mark with the first hash mark. Do the same in the middle and near the tip. The thickest part is your overall girth.

These simple steps on how to measure your penis should take the guesswork and unconfirmed bragging rights out of the equation. Do keep in mind that the average penis length in inches is 5.5”-6.0” and the girth is about 3”-4”. For those of you that are challenged, read “Give her oral sex”.

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