Childbirth: What to Expect

So you got one through the goal post and you are going to be a father. Get ready for every person to have an opinion, warning or other unsolicited advice on childbirth. Either way, there is no substitute for experience. Once that baby squeezes out and pisses in your eye you will be in the thick of it. Regardless, here are a few pointers about childbirth that you can tuck in your wallet and refer to when you feel like stabbing yourself with a fork.

She wanted this since she could coddle her first doll. Now she looks like a bloated cow moaning about every which way the wind blows. Your job is to shut your mouth and cater. She will always remember if you decided to go golfing with the boys instead of holding her hand and watching bad movies in her ninth month. Attend every sonogram, go to childbirth classes and if you’re not, pretend to be excited about the whole scene.

No More Home
Prepare yourself to make room for the little fucker. You will be painting, shopping and putting together a bunch of gear and you better not ever complain.

The Hospital
Hide a couple of sandwiches in your pockets when you bolt to the hospital with your screaming woman. Many times it’s a false alarm but the day they admit her you are in for the long haul. If she spits the baby out of her vag you’ll be stuck there for about 48 hours, if it’s a cesarean it could be four or five days. You can watch the horrific, bloody show and some docs will even let you cut the umbilical cord (it’s fun!). When you lay eyes on your kid you may: cry like a queer, pass out or wonder who the hell is going to take care of this thing.

You must have a baby seat to leave the hospital. Once on the road you will feel like the kid is a bag of eggs in a paint can shaker. Take it easy and get home safe.

The Routine
Most babies breastfeed every two hours (formula may buy you an extra hour). This means no sleep. If you ever want to have sex again, helping out goes a long way. Take care of yourself and sleep when the baby sleeps. You will be up to your elbows in shit, piss and smelly formula for about a year. Warning: Never, ever, let the baby sleep in your bed, it will never leave.

The Good Stuff
Make sure you hold, talk, sing and massage your baby. The more you bond the more amazing this little alien will seem. Every day he or she will perform the simplest of feats that just may have you pondering the existence of the Universe.

Childbirth is hard work. It puts a strain on your life and your relationship. However, with a little patience, resilience and humor it can be the most incredible thing you will ever accomplish in your entire life.


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